Regarded herself as a quiet, angelic child. Could be counted on to do the right thing. Had a brother, Logan who was more outgoing.
Her life changed at 7 years old when she started ballroom dancing. Her mother also got her brother involved. She found it easy and able to follow instructions. She took the class very seriously.
Had a busy childhood. She started entering ballet competitions. Her mother added tap and jazz as well as ballet. She also did horse riding and swimming.
She loved being singled out as a model student. She excelled at dancing. At times she found life hectic and wanted to relax more.
Hayley's parents agreed that she could buy a horse. She also took up snowboarding. She spent a lot of time in dance competitions and being coached by Candy Lane.
When a friend committed suicide it made her aware that people could fake a joyful existence while hiding a turbulent inner world.
Hayley put on a front for her family and acted braver than she felt. Around friends she acted more carefree and when she was performing, she was flamboyant.
Friends introduced her to alcohol at high school. The more she drank, the more her feeling of self-consciousness retreated. She found talking on the phone awkward.
Hayley became a professional dancer. However, she started becoming disillusioned with dancing and her placings. She went to university and then she decided to go to America to snowboard.
In the end Hayley gave up dancing. Now she felt like an adult ready to make her own decisions and follow the path that would set her for change. She found that drinking went hand-in-hand with the snowboarding culture. She started thinking about what to do for a career. She got a call from Candy with an opportunity to work on Dancing With The Stars on TV.
She had a date with Ritchie McCaw, which was set up for her. Hayley found him to be friendly and a normal guy. However, she finished with him because of his obligations. It was time to move on.
At this point Hayley felt like she needed a proper career. She decided on a full time job on TV on "The crowd go wild".
She was told off by a good friend about her drinking. She started avoiding people who couldn't handle alcohol. Tried tweaking what she drank to try and control her alcohol intake. Eventually she became aware that she was a problem drinker. She often flippantly remarked to people, " Yeah, I am a functioning alcoholic".
She was given a trip to Las Vegas to the Rugby World Cup. Her producer was testing her resolve. At one point she slept through the entire day. She wasn't able to work and she missed the person she was supposed to be interviewing. As a result of this incident she had a meeting with her producer. It was worse than she imagined. Hayley knew that things weren't going well in her personal life. Her family were starting to worry about her.
Hayley described her life as being like a leaky house. From the outside it looked fantastic, but inside it was mouldy, had a ceiling that sagged and floorboards that were rotting. Unfortunately, things were about to get worse.
She failed a drug test, and as a result the story was splashed all over the online news. It happened on the Breakfast programme - she thought it would be funny. She expected that the viewers would treat it as casually as she did. Later she swore on TV after drinking too much.
Her actions resulted in her not being invited to parties and other night-time events. People had a different attitude to her, including her family. She felt lonely which didn't stop her drinking. As a result her radio contract was not renewed and people were sick of dealing with her messes. This mainly made her feel sad.
Hayley said to herself, "Maybe this is the rock bottom that I need" , and she came up with the plan, " I will have to stop drinking". She decided to go to an AA meeting with a friend.
She was curious about she could become if she didn't drink and felt that AA might have some answers. The "me against the world" was spoken about. Hayley discovered that alcohol thrived on resentment and fuelled further rebellion. She wanted to believe she had control over her drinking. She thought that one was too many. A thousand was not enough. Feeling in the meeting 'what does it say about our culture when we're more comfortable with people seeing us blind drunk in public, rather than getting help.
After the meeting, the first thing to change was compulsion. It became easier to connect with friends. She started therapy. A lot of her feelings were related to resentment. Her therapist suggested that she might have ADHD and really needed to see a psychiatrist. There was a connection between addiction and ADHD.
Hayley's friend commits suicide. She blames herself as she had rung her and wanted to see her. She didn't use alcohol as a crutch.
In the book Hayley talks about her interest in politics. She had a lot of opinions on big issues. She stood for the Green Party with her bid being for the Helensville electorate.
One day TVNZ rang her and asked her to come for an interview. She had an audition and was offered the job on the Breakfast Show.
She had a good start to her new job. Hayley got on well with her workmates. The bosses wanted her to be more herself, rather than like the other announcers.
Hayley was introduced to Josh by a friend. She felt comfortable in his presence and they started doing things together. They also wanted to have a baby. One day she was late for her period so her and Josh went out and brought a pregnancy test. It was positive. She talked to Josh and told the staff at TVNZ. Her privacy was protected. She had a scan at 20 weeks which showed that there was a problem. Meanwhile, Covid closed down work (and the country). Also, because there were problems, the doctor decided on fortnightly scans.
The doctor also phoned Hayley and said that he wanted to do an MRI and then discuss the findings with the couple. There was a decision to be made in relation to the baby. At another appointment there was a shocking end. She had to wait two days and then follow their decision.
Hayley was in hospital. There was a birth but not what she wanted. The great thing was that she and Josh had a relationship that was very supportive. She started weekly grief counselling. She applied scientific knowledge but kept the door open to spirituality. Hayley left Breakfast and moved to sport on 1News.
Unfortunately, she miscarried at 10 weeks. She became depressed and started drinking again. She was deluding herself that she was in control. She reverted back to old habits. She had a think and thought she was meant to be a non drinker.
She was due for her monthly pregnancy test. The result was two lines. Josh gave her a ring and mentioned Christmas. She felt relaxed during the pregnancy. She had a textbook 20 week scan. She feels that what would be would be.
ANZAC Day services reminded her of how a lot of people lost loved ones. She thought about why she didn't want to celebrate special occasions in her life. Hayley's therapist thought it was important to mark life's milestones.
The baby was getting quite big and it was time to talk about the delivery. The doctor thought 38 weeks was full term. When she held him she said, "Who are you?" and she couldn't wait to spend the rest of her life with him.
Hayley went to a birth care unit in Warkworth. It was a busy three days. Josh wanted the next three weeks just being the three of them. She was dubious.
The baby taught them so much. He keeps them in the real world. She had lots of doubts about how she would bring him up.
What would be, would be.
Reviewed by Heather Irvine
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